September 4th

This is me in a moment of panic.
I’ve made a crucial mistake. It was amateur, really. I know better.

I stalked my old classmates on Facebook.

See, it started with one tagged in a photo of a mutual friend and then all the sudden I am on the spiral of sorting through photos of the people I never knew and know even less now. Suddenly everything I have ever done, or ever tried to conquer, is not enough. It’s not big enough. The milestones don’t stand tall enough. I’m not married yet. I haven’t traveled enough. I don’t have a degree. I’m not working for some giant impressive company. There aren’t enough photos of me laughing and smiling with my family in the sunny beach landscape. I am a failure. I have done nothing. I am a fraud. I can never write again because I have experienced nothing worth writing about. Why aren’t you going back to school this fall? Everyone else can work full time and at the very least take one class, why can’t you? You’re behind. You’re faking. You’re lazy. You are doing nothing with your life, you work at a bookstore and you haven’t even been reading.
I am drowning in my own assumed failures that literally no one but me gives a crap about, and measuring my life to people who are probably feeling as stuck as I am.

How do we find the balance? Needing things to be constantly changing so we have the illusion of movement and progression, but also having enough time to stop and enjoy where we are?

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This morning I had a panic attack because I couldn’t find something to wear. It wasn’t a cute montage with bubble gum music and laughter and pillow fights. It was Raelee on the floor of the closet apologizing that we hadn’t left already because everything was fitting wrong. Frustrated because I knew that it was one part of my head controlling my actions against the rest of my will. Can’t wear a skirt because my legs aren’t shaven. Since when do I care that my legs are hairy? Today apparently. I can’t wear the black jeans because it might get hot and then I’ll be uncomfortable. Can’t wear that because I’ll look like I’m trying too hard. Can’t wear the sandals with those pants because the holes. I hear them laughing at my photo. Can’t wear this shirt because I wear it to work and I want to wear something I can’t normally wear to work. Can’t wear this fabric because it feels like it’s seeping into my skin. Can’t wear this. Not that. Maybe this? Nope, you’re ugly. They laughed at your photo. You’re stupid. You’re fat. I can’t possibly be fat, Anxiety Raelee, you’re a 0!> And even if you weren’t a 0, your size doesn’t measure anything other than the width of your hips. Chill. Please, knock this off right now. You need to go.

The sun is shining and YOU ARE MISSING IT.

I continue to let myself fall into this pit of self-doubt and insecurity. I allowed myself to get distracted from my own life because of what others may think, or how they may live. Why?! As the wise T-Swizzle said “you are not the opinion of somebody who doesn’t know you, or care about you.” Why do we let ourselves listen to this part of our minds? We deserve better. We deserve a chance to explore the world without having to conquer our own inner demons first. Although I guess when it’s timed right, it can push us to be stronger. In this very moment though, that doesn’t feel worth the price.

I’m glad this got me writing, but I really could have done without the dramatics.

So anyway, how’s everyone else doing this fine September?
~Raelee

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