(((This entire post is about weight. I talk about disorders, and invasive thoughts, and societal expectations. It is not researched or supported, this is what we call an opinion piece. This is all about me, and it is frankly written. If you struggle with weight, or have in the past, don’t push yourself to read this if you think you can’t. Take care of yourself first bb.)))
My disease causes my weight to fluctuate when its active, but my issues with weight are nothing new. I’ve always been too small, for my age, for my height, for my family, compared to my friends, compared to the little kids. My mom tells a story of how my preschool teachers called Child Protective Services because they were worried I wasn’t getting fed at home. I’ve always been too, damn, small.
We presently live in a society where media tells us that it is a desirable thing to be small. My own community pushes against this, and while the logical-compassionate-Raelee understands why; Insecure-about-her-weight-Raelee is struggling.
I think that since there are people who fit into the “Standard for Beauty” without trying, we assume that they get off in life easier and therefore they get through it easily. Certainly I’ve rarely been made to feel that I am a monster by the media, and I can usually find things in my size, and strangers don’t stare at me rudely. But Society isn’t the only voice we interact with on the daily. I still have the voice nagging and yelling and being mean in the back of my head, and the strangers telling me to fix myself are usually saying I need to eat more. And usually it’s not strangers, its family and friends. And it starts out fine, and they always mean well… don’t we all?
I used to make myself throw up in high school. I had a special stirring stick that I found in our kitchen. It’s from my Hawaiian Poodle party I had when I was 9 or 10. Its blue with a green palm tree as a little handle. I’ve also used a toothbrush when in a sitch. Or my fingers. Usually after a fight with my parents, or after a really shitty day at school. Or when I was feeling lonely. Or because I looked plump that day.
Now I won’t pretend that this was a more serious issue than it was, let’s not exaggerate. It happened less than 30 times the four years I was in high school, and maybe 5 more times since I graduated. I was paranoid about it ruining my teeth so it was always a last resort among my supposed options. When it happens now it’s because I ate something that upset my stomach and throwing up is the fastest way to be done. I did start getting help for it but I realized that my high school counselors didn’t really listen when I was talking. If you are struggling with an eating disorder, please seek professional help. You are so much more than what your brain keeps saying, and getting help will be a lot easier than fighting on your own.
Yes I am small, and I take immense pleasure in fitting into small spaces for people. But I also can’t see how small I am. I can sometimes see it when my friends and I are in swimsuits, but even then I have a hard time not inflating my perception. Being thin means wearing shorts from the kids section and thinking it’s hysterical, and then wearing 0 size jeans and feeling guilty and dirty. It’s a constant roller coaster of omg im so thin just like a model, to, all my friends have beautiful sexy curves and I am a skeleton in skin and then when you add in the insecurity that a fluctuating waistband brings omg i finally can wear a size 3 which brings oh my mini skirt makes me feel like a sausage and then 2 months later oh my pants are too big…
I’ve been losing weight recently. At first I thought I was just being paranoid because last winter when I was sick, I dropped 20 lbs real fast. So any changes I thought I saw, I assumed were me just struggling to see reality. But I’ve been having to wear leggings under my larger jeans, and my 0’s are fitting better than they were 2 months ago. My ring from Bree doesn’t fit as snug as usual. I’m down 8 lbs. I don’t know why. I’m struggling to keep myself from obsessing over it, but the hotel we’re in has a scale which I don’t own at home (for a reason), and I keep using it. Or eyeing it. Maybe i’m wrong. Maybe it was just a fluke, maybe it was on a slope. What does it say over here? Oh. still that. And we don’t know what that means in terms of my disease yet because it’s a recent realization, but I can’t even think about the disease yet, because I’m too focused on the weight part.
Logical Raelee knows that I didn’t purposefully do this to myself. I don’t watch my calories, and I don’t intentionally exercise. I don’t try to keep myself from eating, I just have a picky appetite. I haven’t made myself throw up recently. And then I am surrounded by all these voices of “Bigger Girls are Beautiful” and images of skinny waists with big thighs, ”BIGger is better,” the #thinsperation, “get your swimsuit body ready,” “real women have Curves,” the thigh gaps. They’ve ingrained this irrational fear of changing body shape and I know that, and I work against that fear, and I gain the pounds, and then GPA swoops in and drops them.
Wallowing in guilt for a size I can’t control.
It’s too much.
For a second there was a push of “love your body whatever your size” and then its reverted back to specifics. And I know that you’re frustrated because your whole life the images around you said you were repulsive, but you and I know that isn’t true. You and I know that they are the assholes. We can have diversity and not tell everyone that they need to be one extreme or the other. We can have a vague “love who you are not what you look like” And I know that part of that doesn’t feel good enough. They got to be the center of attention for so long, it’s MY turn but all that does is continue a cycle of frustration and competition.
Stop being competitive when it comes to struggling, please.
Stop laughing at the skinny girls when they say “Yeah I struggle with weight too.”
I know that sometimes they are the same ones who make fun of you but at least give them a shot to show you they aren’t that person before you start chuckling. Because it’s frustrating enough. Stop telling people that they haven’t struggled enough to be worth compassion. Treat others how you wish to be treated, right?
Be kind.
~Raelee
OH! And I know I’m not a skinny bitch, I just think its funny to make long titles in which words are reused. ❤
Raelee Rowen 