Watermelon Hell

Here’s The Deal:

Last week I posted a photo to instagram, claiming I was going to write about “The Watermelon Crisis” and then I didn’t. Today I decided I was going to push myself and finally write about it, only to realize that it wasn’t going to be what I wanted.

I’ve been having an issue lately, where I think of an idea but then I struggle with the execution. Either some outside force steps in and makes the entire endeavor hard to accomplish, or my own head talks me out of it. It’s dandy, just dandy.

I had a joint birthday party a couple weeks ago that was potluck style, and someone left behind a watermelon. Like, a G I A N T watermelon. If I had been smart, I would have looked up the nearest homeless shelter or food bank to see if they would accept it. Instead I panicked about the melon going to waste, and I cut the damn thing open. Without fully thinking through how I was going to store this enormous watermelon, I balled up half of the melon and then sliced up some, and then froze the rest of it.

The Overlying Issue:

My family doesn’t eat watermelon. My mom choked on a piece of watermelon when I was 6, so she doesn’t eat much of it now, and I didn’t willingly eat watermelon until I was a teenager after watching her almost die. The GF doesn’t eat fruit at all really, and the Small Child is not the most reliable eater – half the time her plate of food gets picked at and then dumped in the compost bin. The dog won’t eat it either.
I wasn’t too worried at first though! Some of my friends were coming over the day I cut up the melon, so I figured I would make them eat it.

Haphazard Solution #1:

I looked up recipes for watermelon dishes, thinking I could make a fruit salad or something. I didn’t fully process the fact that watermelon is, well for lack of a better word, watery. Like, super watery. Most of the recipes I found were paired with mint (which I didn’t have), or cheese (which I am not meant to eat), or soaked in alcohol (which I didn’t have a lot of). I found smoothie recipes, and we had a bunch of other fruit left over from the party, so I literally just threw all of it into a blender and hoped for the best. It wasn’t great.

And Then: 
The plans with my friends got cancelled.

Haphazard Solution #2:

Now I felt inclined to drink more of the damn melon to make up for fact that they wouldn’t be drinking it. The second round didn’t go great. I tried adding sparkling water to make it bubbly, but with watermelon.. it flopped. My hands smelled like watermelon. The counters were stained with watermelon. I bought mint to try to follow those stupid recipes, only to realize that I don’t like the taste of raw mint leaves blended up with watermelon – that just makes the mellow melon flavor herby. Uck. So now, I not only have too much watermelon, but I also have a packet of mint.

The Last Straw:

Today I used up some fruit we had frozen and some of the good ole watermelon. I made a decent smoothie, even had some yogurt in it. I got all excited about staging, and ripped off a nice mint leaf and washed off some lil raspberries to really spruce up my smoothie. I even used two straws: a reusable mickey mouse straw, and a compostable paper straw. I went to take a nice photo, and was mentally planning the recipe blog post I was going to write while I was drinking it… and I knocked it over. I tried to clean up the mess with a towel and ended up smearing smoothie all over the fireplace and the floor…

Watermelon Hell:

I hate watermelon. Its deceivingly pretty for one thing, and then it adds little to nothing in regards to flavor. I have had about 10 smoothies with that damn melon. The first few were great! It was hot out, yum a smoothie. But now the smell of it makes me want to cry.

What I Have Learned:

  1. When bringing melon to a party, bring it pre-sliced.
  2. When freezing melon, ball it first, and then sprinkle some lemon and lime juice over it, and leave a few mint leaves tucked into the container. Put in fridge so it can marinate, and then move to the freezer.
    Balling the melon means that the stupid fruit flesh won’t fuse together into a giant pink ice block mess. Ball the melon first and you have leverage.
  3. Watermelon literally tastes like sugar water and is a waste of melon. Eat an avocado.
  4. I need to give up on having a pretty aesthetic.
    Or at least pay more attention when setting up.


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