The Last Post of 2019

I said I was going to post every Monday this month. I lied.

I don’t have a diary entry for this day, 10 years ago. The closest I have is for November 15th, 2009. I was in 9th grade, last year at the junior high. It’s vague, but I can tell that I am fighting with my new friends – my friends from the previous year had moved away. I am lonely, again. I talk about the boy that I was crushing hard on (so hard, omg he had such beautiful blue eyes). I was spending Friday nights chasing him around the high school football stadium, teasing each other in the rain, sharing candy under the bleachers. I was spending lunches in the library, up and down each aisle, often taking five or so books home each weekend to try to make it through until Monday when I could escape my very unhappy home life and come back to school.

I don’t think any year has been has hard as that year was. Winters are still very hard for me (aka, why I didn’t complete my goal for this month), but that winter in particular I had moved further away from the school. I was usually too scared to ask friends if they wanted to come over, and too scared to ask my parents to make the drive. The parents were fighting, often and loudly. I didn’t like my stepdad. I didn’t like my clothes. I didn’t like my classes. I didn’t like my friends. My skin issues are either healing or worse, I don’t really remember.

It breaks my heart to recognize the darkness I was in 10 years ago. To think of how sad and scared and lonely I was. The difference of then and now is night and day.

I am about to start my 2nd quarter at the big university that I always dreamed of. I have a best friend who has changed my life entirely. I have my own space. I have freedom to breathe and move and change and speak my mind. I have so much more to live for than day dreams and fairy tales. I have another disease, but I also have the means of dealing with it. It doesn’t prevent me from working towards my big goals.

I hope that in the next decade, I read through my bookshelf. I hope that I make time for my relationships. I hope that I travel further than I have before. I hope that I get to meet people whose lives are entirely different than my own. I hope my health chills out and gives my a couple years of a break, lol. I hope that I push myself creatively. I hope that I get better at being myself. I hope that take chances that are terrifying.

Thanks for taking the time to support me and this blog. This was a dream that 9th grade Raelee had but never really thought would happen. I am so grateful to have an outlet that reaches further than my diary’s pages.

I hope that the next decade gets even brighter and happier than this one did.

Til next year,
~Raelee

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