This week has been a nightmare.
As a whole, no one likes cranky ill people. Society wants a pretty, innocent-looking, sick person. They want someone who has faced adversity down the throat and come up with a way to spread love and joy to their community. They want a selfless sick person. They want to be able to pity someone without feeling uncomfortable.
I am not that kind of sick person. I am selfish and greedy. Right now, I am an angry sick person.
I am sick of feeling like I am so close to something that I’ve wanted for a while and then having it ripped from my grasp. I am sick of feeling like a ghost in my own life. I’m mad at myself for even caring that the people around me don’t notice I am missing.
I’ve tried to be the nice sick person. I really have. I apologize to other people for my being sick. I rejoin my life and the people around me say superficial “omg we missed you, are you feeling better!?” and I say “I’m sorry I’ve been gone” to them. WHY!? What could I possibly be sorry for!? Oh, gee Raelee. How dare you have a shitty immune system and people have to find ways to get by without you. It is so absolutely your fault! (Also, I call BS that you missed me. Dude, it takes 2 seconds to message someone on Facebook. If you actually miss someone, then send them a quick message so they know. Don’t pretend afterwards just to make yourself feel like a decent person. Asshole).
Being sick makes me cynical, so I’m sorry, I can’t be your nice little sick person. I’m too pissed off. I’m pissed off that I feel like I’ve missed out on so much. I’m pissed off that the idea of travelling is intimidating, because what if I get sick? What if my body can’t eat the local food? I hate that I was sick and depressed in high school so I didn’t have the motivation to go to a big expensive school like I always dreamed. I’m tired of having to drop classes, or having to cancel plans with friends, or having to pull out of shows. I’m tired of having to stay inside on sunny days. I’m tired of postponing plans for myself. I’m tired of never ending positive people who think they have all the answers. Like, no! I don’t need to keep my chin up! I don’t need to pretend that I’m not hurt and angry. I am allowed to be angry.
I am tired of having to choose between my health and experiences.
This week I had to take a break from my daily routine because I got a freaking flu thing. At first we were scared that it was my GPA coming back but I’m like, 85% sure that it’s just a flu. They checked my lungs and they’re fine. Anyway, I had to miss rehearsals and filming for a project I was passionate about. I hadn’t gotten to audition for it because that was back when I was really sick, but I was assisting the acting director. They filmed Friday and Saturday. I got to stay home.
So I’m really angry.
And it’s times like this, when I REALLY can’t deal with the “Everything happens for a reason <3” type people. I am one of those people, when I’m well. So I get it. You’re not only trying to help me, but also yourself. You think that if everything happens for a reason, that there is no such thing as a bad thing. But I’ve got a limit. And at some point, if things I have looked forward to and worked my ass off for keep getting taken from me, I’m gonna get pissed off. And that’s where we are at right now.
I know that it isn’t much fun to hear about someone who is angry. Especially when the events triggering such anger are out of reach and beyond anyone’s control, so no one can really help fix it. And I know that it’s not good for me to be angry forever. So, I try to only let myself be angry for a little bit and then I try to take care of myself and take advantage of the situation. Not everyone gets to stay home when they are sick. Not everyone has access to the medicine they need to make themselves feel better.
Give me a day or two, and I’ll think about those things.
I just needed to rant. Because I think it’s important to get things off my chest, and especially things about my health. That’s why I started this damn blog in the first place. So this isn’t funny to read, and it’s not inspiring, and it’s not eloquent. But it’s something that is a part of me, so it is something that needed to be shared.
Most of the people in my life are good at not crossing into that dangerous territory that Healthy People tend to go when a sick person is ranting, but just in case I thought I should throw this in: I don’t want posting this to result in a spew of comments full of pity. I don’t want apologies from anyone, I don’t want excuses. I just want to rant about something that is infuriatingly hard to deal with. I want to remind y’all that the sick aren’t always cute little happy kids. Sometimes we’re cute angry adults.